Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

You don't exist in my reality anymore. Your teeth don't gleam in my awakening like they used to. You are undeniably absent in what is real.

But you are alive as ever in my reverie. You are the thought I most enjoy, though the thoughts I lend your way don't bring me any pleasantries. I have to make a strained effort not to think about it. It's a cognitive fight like I've never fought before. Usually I succumb to the masochism and invite you in for tea anyway. Sometimes I would rather drown myself in thoughts of you than breathe smoothly in a world where you don't reside anymore.

I want to sink into the abyss that was us. You made me feel flawless and reckless. How, how did you get me to abandon what I'd always protected so fervently? I almost discarded it - all of it - for the sake of ultimate proximity. Somehow, it seemed worth it. It seemed sacrificial, and selfless. Emblematic somehow. Important, necessary and poignant. That pain in your eyes. It was more compelling than any argument or justification you ever made.

I miss you almost all the time. Especially in my lonely moments. I know it cannot be. I know in my core I don't want it to be, either. But reason never was a friend of mine, was it? The emptiness I felt with you is better than the emptiness I feel now. I felt hollow when I was in us. But I craved you. That rough exterior holding feeble heart: It held me hostage. I've never in my life so willingly been held captive. You entered, and I was rescued. You exited, and I was broken. Weakened. Less. My existence is forever marred because of yours. But I'd rather live with the scar of your intrusion, than to have the immaculate facade that would have come from never encountering you.

What perversity exists in me that I'd rather ache for you than pray for numbness? I've never been one to abandon humanity, but this is ridiculous. I can still hear your rhythm and see your unmistakable silhouette. I know them best in this dark place. I loved the space you took. That space is a ghost now.

Everything about us pervades my reason. Escape seems futile and necessary and poisonous. Here I remain, a pathetic fragment of what I used to be- wanting to rewind and yet loathing the past.

Sometimes I think I'd cash in all my chips for just one more surrender. Just one more premeditated detraction. We, we are all that matters when the moment comes for us to collide. A collision- that is exactly what it is. A marvellous, disastrous escape into corrosive plains. It is beautifully destructive. Becoming a part of you subtracts from my existence. And yet I ache for it. If, by some miraculous misfortune, you were to appear in my doorway, I would lack the strength to turn you away, though I know it would mean cancer for me. But in my deepest, most private places, I will wish for you and miss you and let you exist as you once did. And I will find no solace from that.

To know you is to be entangled in you. It is to feel tangibly what was once just an idea. I was always fighting for a cause which my deepest taverns of identity could not embrace. It created a war within my own heart. Every even beat for you, every odd beat in protest. You came dangerously close to triumph.

Words. So many words and each of them lost now, congregating somewhere waiting to greet us and remind us of their existence. They will exclaim: "Welcome to Another Lifetime; we will make sense here. Here, we will provide the promise that was impossible there. Now, what was once a hopeless, debilitating fight, is now Meant. It is what was always supposed to be, here, in Another Lifetime."

Those words and affectations that could hold no promise here and now, but were laced with the possibility of fruition in some other world; those words are the sweetest kind of poison.