Sometimes I wish it snowed where I live. Apparently when it snows things become clear. I recon it’s just what I need. If it did, I’d sit and watch it and somehow I know it will cause some great epiphany and I’ll understand the meaning of life. Okay, so maybe that’s a little too far but I seriously need some great eye opener. I’m living in a state of massive confusion. I’m being so dumb. This ramble is over boys, boys! I really do get that they are not such a big deal but somehow my hardest times have been because of them. They cause so much personal drama and I really don’t understand it.

In the beginning – I was 15. I met this boy, and a boy he was. I’m not really sure why he made such a dramatic impact in my life but it seems like my entire world still revolves around him, which it crazy. He wasn’t the most special person, he didn’t treat me right, or say the right things, and he didn’t make me feel incredible because of his actions but when he noticed me, really noticed me. He made my life stand still. He became my life, which I now know wasn’t his fault, I allowed all the injustice, I made it acceptable for him to treat me as he did. I tried so hard with him, I held on so tightly that eventually he popped right out of my grasp. I understand everything happens for a reason (cliché I know) but really, what gave him the right to ruin me? What gives him the right to make me feel so small and worthless? It’s been almost 3 years now; I’ve had 3 years to go over everything in my head more times than I like to believe and nothing has changed. I still want him, I want his affection and most of all I want that feeling of invincibility get gave me when he noticed me.

Right now I have someone else; he is the real ‘McCoy’ he doesn’t have to pretend. It’s all natural. He’s an honest-to-god good person and I can’t appreciate it. I sit and watch him pour out everything to me and I look back at him with no emotion. How is it fair or just of me to do this to someone like him? It’s so unjustified. I want to be a better me, for him. I want to give him back what he gives me. He is so considerate and I can’t match that. Something has to give; I can’t keep doing what I’m doing. It’s going to eat me up inside and I’ll be left emptier than I ever started.

The problem is I’m so unsure of what I want. I know what I need and maybe I should just go with that. I think sometimes when people look back on the past their personal opinion has casted a shadow on what was reality. Once and for all I must let go of the past, give in to what I deserve, forget what I don’t and move on to bigger and better things.  

What am I to do? It’s been less than 12 hours since I said I needed time to think things over and the time has driven me crazy. I guess I miss him, or maybe I want to miss him more than I do. At the end of the day if I permanently say goodbye I’ll regret it. I’ll miss being treated like I’m the most amazing person in the world when clearly I’m not. He’s just an incredible ego boost and it would be so foolish to let of that over a shadowy memory.

Time will tell.

All I really know is that I must let go of the one who is holding me back because it’s damaging. Maybe me and Mr. Right aren’t so right but I guess the only thing I can do is give it my all, don’t look back, don’t hold back. Fall in love like I should do and if it doesn’t work I’ll know I really did try my best to make it work.

I’ll tell him I’m ready, ready to give him my all.

Him and only him. Once and for all.